Another birthday

Today would have been her birthday. She would have been 36. Hard to believe. Hard to believe my age, how old she would have been, and that time has passed since we lost her.

Today we met at the Red Tree to make some plans for Ashley's wedding. She would have loved it. Blake, Brette, and Olivia and Cory stopped by briefly with Jason E. Little knife stabs every time I look into those sweet faces.

Olivia decided some time ago to be baptized today. Brette and Olivia are only 3 weeks apart.

Those two babies, and their mom's got to share some very special times. My sisters had a very special bond. No matter how many years passed, I would never have that same bond with either of them. But, the bond I had/have grew from "the spoiling sister, the surrogate mom, the older sister", into a friend/sister bond. The 3 of us talked almost daily. If a day or two had gone by one of us would call and say "why haven't you called me". Like most siblings we had spats. But never major.

I miss her aches, pains, spots, bumps, bruises, random things that she wanted to know what I thought about it but didn't do what I told her to about. I miss seeing her grow older. Mostly, I just miss the very essence of her.

My kids miss her calling them and tell them what she thinks they should be doing, wearing, or who to date.

I look forward to heaven. Seeing her stamp on it! You know she has had to rearrange something, organize something, or take care of someone.

36 years ago I was hoeing weeds. Beside my brothers, waiting on the birth of the first of my sisters. Living in a house with no bathroom, no air conditioning, and a bed in the living room. I didn't know how poor we were, or what we were missing. Not sure we had a phone, it came and went. Party lines were in use and some times I walked up steep hills to make calls. Mom had been working as a waitress at Shoney's throughout the pregnancy.

Now, mom has a degree in nutrition, a dietitian now retired. Dad breeds black Angus with procedures that cost more than we lived on then. My house has 4 bathrooms, way too many to clean. My kids think they are deprived because of all they know they don't have. Most everyone I know has their own phone in their pocket. No one walks unless they have to for the exercise.

Today, I'm helping plan my oldest daughters wedding, and going to a baptism. Life goes on no matter if I want to get off and rest or not.

I still see Evette in so many ways, daily. My heart still hurts, thinking about things not said or done. I continue to function, aimlessly at times; Trying to keep God in front of me, and keep moving ahead.

Tomorrow is July 17th.....

This is the newest addition to our family. This is Lucy Elizabeth Ann Fite. Her mom is my niece, Rachel Elizabeth Lynn Fite.

When Rachel was born I flew to Germany, with Ashley who was 7 months old at the time. Not a fun flight by the way. Joe and Tina had lost their first child when he was only 11 days old. Robert was a beautiful baby and we all were in love with him. It was the worst thing I had ever been through up until January 12th, 2008. They all lived with Doug and I. At the time it felt like loosing my own child. Now I know that it wasn't even close, but it was still painful for us all. In the way of most of us, I tried to find a reason. Still haven't found one.

I remember 35 years ago July 17th very well. Dad had woke me and the boys up, told us mom had gone to the hospital to have the baby sometime during the night. Then he took us to hoe out tobacco. At least I think it was tobacco, it could have been corn. They were the longest rows in the world. I was 13, joe 12, henry 11. Know any kids now days that you could leave in a field, working under the hot sun, alone, for hours, and know they would do the work? It was a different world. Most of the time our dad would have been out there with us. Mom did her share of outside work too but obviously not while hugely pregnant. Of all the things my parents must have done right to get the results they did, being with us was one of them. We weren't left to sit with a sitter, or in front of a (only 4 channels) tv all day, alone. We worked side by side. We sang silly songs, we heard stories about their lives, and we observed hard work.

Sometime later in the day our Aunt Goldie stopped by to pick us up. Goldie was a very unique person. She was our guardian Angel, Santa, and Fairy Godmother, all rolled into a retired teacher-never married-old maid- great aunt, just for us. I found out many years later when she passed and we were cleaning out her home, that she had helped out many of her relatives over the years. But to us, she was just ours. Every year before school we went to visit her. We would go to the dollar store in down town Jamestown, tn, and get a new pair of tennis shoes. Sometimes maybe 2 pairs, underwear or socks. Most always we went to the 5 and 10 cents store and could pick out a prize. They had a tasty freeze or something on the square and we usually got to get an ice cream cone, she usually had one with us. She would bake a cake of some sort and bring it to us on her visits. Sometimes she came every Sunday, sometimes less. Going to stay at her house for a few days was about the only vacation we were able to have for many years. Going alone was unconditional love and attention.

I remember when she came to get us she wouldn't tell us if the baby was a boy or a girl. She kept the mystery until we were able to get to the hospital. I doubt any of us 3 had shoes on. I also doubt any of our hands were washed before we went. I don't remember if we could even visit inside the hospital. The rules were much stricter then. If we did see Evette during that time she would have been behind the glass in the nursery. We probably had to see mom through the window that may have been open and without screens back then.

I loved that baby so much. We all held her every chance we had. Mom breastfed her and I thought it was the grossest thing I'd ever seen. I remember saying "why are you making her DO THAT?". Funny how I grew up to be such a breastfeeding advocate!! But not too many teenagers really want to see their mom's breast on display ok?

I remember one night mom ask if I wanted to stay up and feed her all night, with bottles of course. It was a very looooooooong night. But I did it. God I wish I could do it again.....

Evette started several years ago a tradition that we try to continue. On each of our birthdays she would say, "now everyone has to go around the room and say what they remember about (whoever's birthday it was)." of course she wanted it to be nice, and mostly it was.

One of my special memories is how she loved my babies. Everyone of them. She hated when they would get older and not let her love on them as much. With Ashley she barely had hips to carry her on. With Amber she could make her smile before most anyone. With Amanda it was the first baby she actually saw being born. Stephanie was the first one she really babysat for and she pretended she was hers. Andrew she almost dropped and cried because of "almost". Matthew she wanted to hold as much as the first one. She never lost that love for babies. I know she has to be loving on Robert, Amanda's lost twin, Tara's lost baby, and all the other babies that need to be loved. She's making them smile with her beautiful smile. She has Grandma Stewart and Aunt Goldie beside her each with a rocking chair and arms full of other babies.

missing evette

Feel free not to read this. I am writing for therapy for me.
Blake is sleeping in my bed, next to "unke doug", and our dog fenway. He dropped his pacifier down the crack at the head of the bed, then snuggled up next to me. It broke my heart. That moment just made me so aware, even headed toward sleep, that his mom was not here. Not here to see him grow. Not here to hold him at night. Not here to see him tonight in his monkey costume.
Another baby was here tonight. Ellen's newest addition. I was talking to him and he was smiling the smile babies do when they really see you in the beginning. Evette could make all my babies smile faster than anyone else. She would say they liked her big teeth. I think they just liked her voice and her smile. Like most of us, she would pitch her voice higher and just use a different voice with babies. I remember her doing that not long ago with Blake. even though he was 18 months, no longer a little baby. She would talk to him and make him smile all over. She loved all her babies. But watching him respond to her and move toward her so happy to have her there....
It made me remember she isn't here. I have tried hard not to think. Not to remember. When i go down that path I stop my brain and change lanes. I couldn't do that this time, and it hurts so much.
At school today her 2 girls both rec'd awards. I took pictures and didn't think. I hugged and congratulated them, but didn't think. Sydney kept me by her side while giving candy to all those who came, not letting me leave her to greet my guest in my home. I knew she was needy and I knew why, but it didn't make me think and hurt.
Sometimes I miss her for me. I think about something she would do or say or would be doing now. But I stop my head. My heart still hurts.