Feel free not to read this. I am writing for therapy for me.
Blake is sleeping in my bed, next to "unke doug", and our dog fenway. He dropped his pacifier down the crack at the head of the bed, then snuggled up next to me. It broke my heart. That moment just made me so aware, even headed toward sleep, that his mom was not here. Not here to see him grow. Not here to hold him at night. Not here to see him tonight in his monkey costume.
Another baby was here tonight. Ellen's newest addition. I was talking to him and he was smiling the smile babies do when they really see you in the beginning. Evette could make all my babies smile faster than anyone else. She would say they liked her big teeth. I think they just liked her voice and her smile. Like most of us, she would pitch her voice higher and just use a different voice with babies. I remember her doing that not long ago with Blake. even though he was 18 months, no longer a little baby. She would talk to him and make him smile all over. She loved all her babies. But watching him respond to her and move toward her so happy to have her there....
It made me remember she isn't here. I have tried hard not to think. Not to remember. When i go down that path I stop my brain and change lanes. I couldn't do that this time, and it hurts so much.
At school today her 2 girls both rec'd awards. I took pictures and didn't think. I hugged and congratulated them, but didn't think. Sydney kept me by her side while giving candy to all those who came, not letting me leave her to greet my guest in my home. I knew she was needy and I knew why, but it didn't make me think and hurt.
Sometimes I miss her for me. I think about something she would do or say or would be doing now. But I stop my head. My heart still hurts.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
I understand completely. As bad as it sounds sometimes it is just easier if I do not allow myself to think about it, if I just pretend that everything is okay. It is hard to do when I am watching Sydneys soccer games,Brettes recitals, or Blake dressed as a monkey, Just knowing that she is not here to cheer them on breaks my heart. I just have to tell myself that she is in heaven watching over them and cheering them on from there.
I am the same way. I try not to think about how much I miss her and that it all just isn't real. Everyday things happen that remind me of her and always make me think of how time is passing by without her here. I do continue to write in a journal to her every now and then but I already now the holidays will not be the same. I know everything happens for a reason, but I am still waiting to know what that reason is.
I cannot fathom what you are going thru. It is okay to put it aside sometimes because it never truly goes away. You are such a great mentor for her kids. You are a positive role model for everyone you meet. I love you for that and I know everyone else does too. Don't be so hard on yourself.
Post a Comment