how we are all dealing with life after our loses

The past few weeks have brought back many memories of loved ones we've lost.  I still haven't been able to write part 2 of Ashley and Nicks story, so this will probably be as far as I get.

Most know that Nick was a very confident, young man. Sarcastic, stubborn, well you get the idea.  But he grew on us.My daughter loved him, and so we accepted him.  He was the oldest of 3 boys.  And from the stories I've heard those boys had some huge knock down drag out fights. But I also heard about how they had each others back, no mater what.  He got to know many of Andrew's friends and they became the siblings he could pick on.  My daughters became the sisters he never had.  My grandparents became another source of family for him.  He was even kind to my uncle Buddy.  My nephew Cory became very close to him because they both could relate to being bigger than most of us.  He even had 2 of my daughters live with him and Ashley.  He offered them help in ways no one else could have.  And they squabbled like siblings.   As he dealt with his pain and frustrations he offered to set Ashley free so she could have a better life.  Of course we don't abandon those that need us, we just stick closer.
He had a special relationship with Andrew's friends.  They all loved picking on him and he gave it right back.  I can't remember all their nick names, one was "the blond one", that didn't have blond hair. The boys showed their love by making a special facebook page just for him to be picked on.  
I don't know when it started, but somewhere in all this, he would end conversations with ,'I love you".  Then the boys started telling each other the same thing.
When Nick died it was awful.  It was so hard for everyone.  Ashley was a widow after only 7 months of marriage.  Stephanie lived with them at the time and lost a big brother.  Nick's family lost someone that had been special in many different ways to them.  During the funeral so many came and told us how Nick had helped them in one way or another.Nick's home health patients called to check on him and were devastated to learn he would never be back to take care of them. They had known, and often had called him on his days off and he would go and check on them.
My niece Sydney and Nick had a running joke that a very small closet in the house was her bedroom.  For some reason they had a pancake sausage joke between them.
He'd tried cutting trees, and had to have my dad come and fix a couple of those disasters.  He'd taken some sleeping pills one night and now one wall of the house has the time theory forever drawn on the wall.  
All those things kept running through our minds after the loss of one we'd had for such a short while.
The boys were devastated .Loosing any one as a teenager is rough.  They each wanted to do something and  if they had been asked they would have dug the grave or built the casket.  They were hurting.  It was the closest poor Andrew had to a big  brother.  Several went to Pulaski and stayed with us for visitation and the funeral, and then back for family volleyball a few weeks later.  Even know we talk about him and you can see the hurt in their eyes.

Ashley has been one of the strongest people I know through it all. We all have strong faith in God.  She has definitely been a testimony to faith.  She will admit, she hasn't been happy with God.  But feels she was meant to be with Nick, to take care of him when he needed it, and probably the only one that could deal with him when in pain and not being very nice.
We miss you Nick. 

The roads traveled.

pulling weeds gives you a lot of time to think.  Something I think many of us don't have.  We fill our lives with things to be busy.  Either a TV on or music on or just being on the computer.  Since my 30th wedding anniversary is in 2 more days, my past was on my mind.

  Basically I think I was lonely most of my life. I grew up way out in the country.  I remember when we had tv and telephones, and when we didn't.  They weren't expected to be there but nice when they were.  I had 2 younger brothers that I played with for hours, outside.  No air conditioning. No central heat. No indoor bathroom. I remember walking a mile or more if we needed to call someone.  I remember phone party lines and having to wait on the other person to get off the phone.


Our lives revolved around farming. I have said many times, the best thing my parents did, as parents, was keeping us with them.  We played while they worked, until we were old enough to help.  I have great memories of the songs my dad sang to us. Silly songs, country songs, and even donald duck voices.

 I remember holidays, not specific presents, but the presence of family.   Open presents at our house, go to my grandmothers, then my Mamma and daddy Lynn's.  Not to get presents everywhere, but to be with family.

In the mention on loneliness I need to add I was the only girl grandchild for many years.  My playmates were either my brothers or male cousins. Many times I was labeled the outcast because of being a girl.  I don't remember being lonely then, it was just the way it was.

I switched schools in the 5th grade due to my parents divorce. I remember being late a lot because I didn't like the buses driving by while I walked.  I guess going early never occurred to me. I became life long friends with one of my cousins that year, David Sorrell.  I knew I had cousins, but don't really remember being aware of anyone outside of first cousins.

Having an outhouse was normal for most of our neighbors.  It was an inconvenience, but didn't bother me until I started into junior high. I met my bff, Robin Gallaher.  When I spent the night at her home I discovered a whole new world.  I became aware of how truly poor we were. I only had a few friends that really saw our home.  Only those that had my trust.  Robin has never betrayed that trust.

When I first had my "period" was a time that now I realize how alone I was.  My mother had many other things going on at that time.  I don't remember even telling her about it.  My guess is my laundry gave it away.  My grandmother was sent to the store for me.  My grandmother did not even tell my mother ,when she was young, that this would happen to her.  My poor mom thought she was dying.  You can imagine how she must have been embarrassed having to shop for me. She came back with the dreaded big ole pads and a belt to hold them in place.  I doubt they are even made anymore. I was not bold enough to ask anyone to shop for me.  I used lots of rolled up toilet paper.  I think Robin probably supplied me more than anyone.  Until I was old enough to drive and shop for myself it was not a fun thing each month
.
When I had daughters becoming that age I was nursing their siblings.  I would wonder if the lack of me modeling the behavior would be negative for them.  I think having young aunts helped some.  I think also since my career has been with pregnancy my girls weren't shy about discussing most things.  I hope that none of them remember it as traumatic.


I remember wearing bras until they were gray and dingy.  Once, after I'd been to the doctor, and he saw my mother at work.  He told my mother she had better buy me some better bras or I'd be sagging to my navel before I was 20.  Prior to that I wasn't even aware it was a bad bra, or that other people had one for every day.  Another thing I tried to make sure my daughters had, enough bras.

Both of my grandparents had roots in churches.  My parents not so much.  Because farm life was not always fun, school and church were both breaks for us.  I don't ever remember our parents telling us we couldn't go to church.  I am very thankful for those that invited us to churches, to vbs, or church activities like skating.  The Daniels family came and got us for many, many Sundays.  I don't think the church had electricity.  I know it had an outdoor bathroom.  But what I remember the most is a family that came one Sunday to sing.  The youngest of the family especially stood out.  When it came time to sing "I saw the light", he would stand taller and sing louder than anyone else.  His love for the song and his joy shined out of his entire body.  I visited many denominations.  I have no idea what that small country church's affiliation was, but loving God is all I remember.

I dated in school.  Even though I was poor, didn't have a wardrobe like others, I guess I wasn't ugly.  When I was 15 I was able to get a job and could buy myself some clothes.  By then we had one bathroom in the house so I was also much cleaner.  I dated but even though I thought I was in love a few times, I'm not sure I was loved.  I always told myself fidelity was the most important part of any relationship, and that marriage was gonna be forever.  Very thankful now that non of that became my life until I met my now husband.

When Doug and I first started hanging out together it was with a group of friends.  I truly felt like we were friends before anything else.  He was my charge nurse and because of that I admired and respected his nursing skills.  I helped him hold children while he would hunt for a vein that I couldn't see.  Even today I'd trust him and his skills to start an IV on me.  He hasn't practiced bedside nursing for over 15 years.
While we were getting to know each other he talked a lot about his family.  His great-aunts that lived with him, and his life as a child.  He is the first person I believe I trusted completely.  I had no problem taking him to my parents home, my grandparents, or any place where I grew up. My grandmothers both loved him immediately.  They both remembered him long after age had erased me from memory.

Because he was a nurse, my husband was surrounded by women.  I chose from the very beginning, to trust.   Either I could trust him, and stay married, or why ever marry him.  We talked a lot about church.  As we added to our family we visited many churches.  One of the reasons we live in the town we live today is because of the church here.  My sisters talked so much about our church that I felt like I knew everyone.  When we moved here it was like coming home.

Doug didn't know me growing up.  He hadn't seen me as a very poor child.  Someday I am going to ask those I grew up with  how they remember me.  Did I look lonely and lost?  Was I nice to anyone or was I mean? I was reading a book, "a thousand blessings", and one part was a conversation between two old friends.  The older friend said I just hope I have blessed someone in my life.   I hope as an adult I have been able to bless others.  I am far from perfect.  But somehow, some where, I hope I was a blessing.


I loved my mission work.  I haven't gone on one out of the country recently.  I try in my daily work with pregnant patients to be a blessing.  I don't preach, but I try to act in a Godly manner and treat each patient with dignity and respect.  Knowing the roads I have been on, I never want to assume a patient that may be a drug addict or a working girl is on their final road.  They may turn their life around and be my boss someday.  Through God all is possible.

I haven't been lonely since my husband and I have been together.  I probably used to bug the heck out of him because I wanted to know what he was thinking, doing, ect constantly.  Not from lack of trust, but because of that trust and just wanting to know him better.


Anyone that thinks married life is easy, is wrong, and right.  Making the decision that you are in this no matter what, makes the choice to work things out easy.  Getting things worked out is the hard part.  I could have never dreamed, way back, walking on gravel roads, barefoot, to the neighbors house to use the phone, where I would be today.   I could have never dreamed of 6 children.  Six that make me proud everyday.  Not that I don't ever wanna jerk a knot in a tail, but proud anyway.  Thirty years have been a long winding road.  I am glad I found the one man that would stay with me for the entire trip.