30 Years

great poem

A very good friend lost her daughter last week. Tera was a child that had been through troubled times but on the outside was a ray of sunshine. To think of her is to think of her smiling a huge smile, nothing half-way about it. She loved her son and if you were her friend she was fiercely loyal. The day we lost Evette she came over to her house and told my oldest daughter, (they graduated together) "I'm here so somebody will be here for YOU". She knew my sister, but she came for my daughter. I appreciated that so much.
So I found this poem on her facebook site today. It was for her, but it also applies to my sister.

“You can shed tears that she is gone, or you can smile because she has lived.You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,or you can be full of the love you shared.You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday, or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.You can remember her only that she is gone,or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back.Or you can do what she'd want:smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

I found this quoted from David Harkins. Then I looked some more and others are not sure who originally wrote it. It was referred to as a funeral poem. I don't remember hearing it before, but I plan on trying to remember it more.

after 25 years, a beautiful birth is...

After 25 years, a beautiful birth is…
I trained in a hospital where epidurals were normal, very heavy dosed at that time, cut the episiotomy, sew, here’s your baby, quick look, off to nursery, visit every 4 hours. That was the normal. I also got a glimpse into the “birthing suite” where the mom went “natural”, and all that was needed was the dad, the doctor, and a lowly student nurse could help out just a little. Wow, that was beautiful.
But because to me “normal” was the other way, and I had my first baby far from home, I went the “normal” route. The feeling of forceps, even with a very heavy couldn’t move a muscle epidural, was a sickening feeling, I vowed never to do THAT AGAIN! Baby and I were fine but the recovery for me was painful.
I worked at 2 hospitals after that first child. One where forceps were normal, without epidurals, pain for the mom was something she endured and was often encouraged to be quiet while she did it. Moms were happy because her baby was beautiful and mom’s pain was just how it was. I even had Doctors that wouldn’t come in until after “Dallas” was over, in the days before TiVo and VCR’s, so nurses just caught the baby, but it wasn’t truly beautiful, just the way it was. The second hospital also had no epidurals, but forceps and vacuums were rare. Still the cut the episiotomy and sew the repair was normal. But I did see some beautiful births.
My second and third births personally were at my 3rd hospital. We had great doctors, great nurses, educated to do the best and take care of you to the highest standards. My babies were healthy and beautiful; the births were the normal, heavy epidurals, no more forceps for me, cut and sew. My 4th was a beautiful birth, no epidural, no cut, no sews. Why was it beautiful? I controlled the delivery, I helped with the no sewing part by being in control, and I had elation like no other after she was born. You can hear the excitement in my voice in the videos, even though it was my fourth, and my fourth daughter.
That one was almost 18 years ago. I still help birth babies. What is beautiful hasn’t changed much. What is beautiful, is informed parents that are active in the birth, with a doctor that has been trained to keep the mom as intact as possible, and is able to a good job at that goal. Being part of the process with the parents instead of the “Superman” role of I’m here to save you and your baby, (so if I need to rush off for dinner and decide you are tired and I need to help pull your baby out with a vacuum or forceps I convince you it’s for you and your baby’s own good), I deliver you the fastest way, cut, sew, and here is your reward, your healthy baby and sore bottom. Believe me when I say I knew there were Doctors like that out there, but only saw the as rare until recently. I KNEW midwives did these things, but they were only for those other people, not the normal ones.
If I can name names, some of those rare Doctors no longer deliver babies, but they were Dr’s like Betty Neff, Maria Perales, Deborah Kondis, yep all women at the time. Sure women were happy with the doctors that did the cut and sew thing, we were taught that was normal and to expect it, especially with that first baby. I then met a midwife that came to this hospital. For some reason most all of her deliveries were done with very little sewing. Big babies, first babies, with epidurals, without epidurals, all sizes moms, all were having very beautiful controlled births. Deborah Wage, CNM, taught me that my memories of the delivery in the birthing suite so long ago was not just for those weird people that wanted to be different. Anyone could have a beautiful birth and feel better the next day.
For me the beautiful birth is the baby that comes out slowly, head stretching what was made to stretch, everyone in the room is calm. Dr Perales used to let the mom lean down and after the arms were out, grab her baby and pull it up onto her abdomen. My favorite part is when the dad cries, no matter how many children he now has, he still is overwhelmed by the miracle of his child. Everyone in the room is all smiles. The mom doesn’t even know yet if she gets stitches or not she is so enthralled with looking at and memorizing every detail of her new child.
I’ve learned now medical students are being taught how to do births without cutting, and with minimal sewing. I’ve seen 1st year residents that do it beautifully. The epidural is no longer the deciding factor in what the doctor wants to do. I’ve seen it in nice controlled quiet rooms, and in “what do you mean I can’t get my epidural because the head is coming out and I’m delivering in the wheel chair”! These young doctors are learning that simple techniques in supporting mom prevents tears and makes the healing and recovery so much better for everyone.
These doctors do beautiful births even when the parents know their baby will be taken quickly away for heart surgery, or other procedures. They at least have this normal moment. Mom will be in much better shape to deal with whatever lies ahead in her baby’s journey.
My wish would be that all those wonderful doctors that I love, that I know really care about their patients, would go to someone, and say, “Teach me how you do that”. Teach me how not to need to cut and sew. Surely if new medical students can learn, older experience doctors can also. They have so much experience in handling so many situations that can’t be taught, stuff that is vital to healthy babies and mom’s when everything is not easy and not normal.
I still love babies put right on mom, skin to skin, feeling their mom right as they come into a noisy new world. My favorite part, still, is when the daddy cries.

A wonderful Day

Recently with the end of summer and the beginning of school coming close, I decided to take the kids to Nashville shores Water Park. We don’t go every year so it’s a treat when we do. I found I got a pretty good discount through Vanderbilt for the tickets.
I loaded up my 2 boys, Jon, Jr., Cory, and Olivia. We arrived around noon. The place closed at 6 so I told them we were staying the whole time. Of course if anyone had seriously whined we would have left early.
The kids were all amazing. They took turns riding with each other so that anyone who wanted to go down a certain slide had a chance to do that. They waited on each other so that no one was alone. They were nice to Olivia. Not always the case with an all boy group.





Jon and Matthew always almost always get along great. Jon was amazing with Matthew on this day. Picture the youngest boy, the child that weighs the least, pulling Matthew up on an inflated toy in the lake. Matthew’s life jacket kept floating up around his ears, making it hard to pull himself up out of the water. Jon would stop what he was doing and pull his hardest to help Matthew.
On one of the trampolines in the water there was an adult who was nice enough to let several kids climb on his shoulders and on the trampoline. Matthew was too big for this. So the adult pushed while Olivia and Jon pulled. He was finally able to get up and jump! It was so sweet to watch.






I found out Jr. is a lot like my oldest child and my mother. When he was on a slide you knew it! You could hear him talking and screaming the whole way.
Cory hit his head on one slide. It really scared me. Even the slide attendant said it sounded like a hard hit. When he first got off he looked shaken. I told him he probably needed to sit down a while and he was all for it. Until, everyone else decided they wanted to go back on the same slide. At that point he decided his head was fine and up the steps he went again.
There was no fighting during lunch. No one tried to order way more food or way more expensive food than anyone else. No one whined or fought the whole day.
Most people think it is hard to go anywhere with any children. Some even think I am crazy because I usually have lots of kids everywhere I go. Well I may be crazy, but I wouldn’t trade a day like this one for anything. I needed this day in a very big way. Thanks God.

Tomorrow is July 17th.....

This is the newest addition to our family. This is Lucy Elizabeth Ann Fite. Her mom is my niece, Rachel Elizabeth Lynn Fite.

When Rachel was born I flew to Germany, with Ashley who was 7 months old at the time. Not a fun flight by the way. Joe and Tina had lost their first child when he was only 11 days old. Robert was a beautiful baby and we all were in love with him. It was the worst thing I had ever been through up until January 12th, 2008. They all lived with Doug and I. At the time it felt like loosing my own child. Now I know that it wasn't even close, but it was still painful for us all. In the way of most of us, I tried to find a reason. Still haven't found one.

I remember 35 years ago July 17th very well. Dad had woke me and the boys up, told us mom had gone to the hospital to have the baby sometime during the night. Then he took us to hoe out tobacco. At least I think it was tobacco, it could have been corn. They were the longest rows in the world. I was 13, joe 12, henry 11. Know any kids now days that you could leave in a field, working under the hot sun, alone, for hours, and know they would do the work? It was a different world. Most of the time our dad would have been out there with us. Mom did her share of outside work too but obviously not while hugely pregnant. Of all the things my parents must have done right to get the results they did, being with us was one of them. We weren't left to sit with a sitter, or in front of a (only 4 channels) tv all day, alone. We worked side by side. We sang silly songs, we heard stories about their lives, and we observed hard work.

Sometime later in the day our Aunt Goldie stopped by to pick us up. Goldie was a very unique person. She was our guardian Angel, Santa, and Fairy Godmother, all rolled into a retired teacher-never married-old maid- great aunt, just for us. I found out many years later when she passed and we were cleaning out her home, that she had helped out many of her relatives over the years. But to us, she was just ours. Every year before school we went to visit her. We would go to the dollar store in down town Jamestown, tn, and get a new pair of tennis shoes. Sometimes maybe 2 pairs, underwear or socks. Most always we went to the 5 and 10 cents store and could pick out a prize. They had a tasty freeze or something on the square and we usually got to get an ice cream cone, she usually had one with us. She would bake a cake of some sort and bring it to us on her visits. Sometimes she came every Sunday, sometimes less. Going to stay at her house for a few days was about the only vacation we were able to have for many years. Going alone was unconditional love and attention.

I remember when she came to get us she wouldn't tell us if the baby was a boy or a girl. She kept the mystery until we were able to get to the hospital. I doubt any of us 3 had shoes on. I also doubt any of our hands were washed before we went. I don't remember if we could even visit inside the hospital. The rules were much stricter then. If we did see Evette during that time she would have been behind the glass in the nursery. We probably had to see mom through the window that may have been open and without screens back then.

I loved that baby so much. We all held her every chance we had. Mom breastfed her and I thought it was the grossest thing I'd ever seen. I remember saying "why are you making her DO THAT?". Funny how I grew up to be such a breastfeeding advocate!! But not too many teenagers really want to see their mom's breast on display ok?

I remember one night mom ask if I wanted to stay up and feed her all night, with bottles of course. It was a very looooooooong night. But I did it. God I wish I could do it again.....

Evette started several years ago a tradition that we try to continue. On each of our birthdays she would say, "now everyone has to go around the room and say what they remember about (whoever's birthday it was)." of course she wanted it to be nice, and mostly it was.

One of my special memories is how she loved my babies. Everyone of them. She hated when they would get older and not let her love on them as much. With Ashley she barely had hips to carry her on. With Amber she could make her smile before most anyone. With Amanda it was the first baby she actually saw being born. Stephanie was the first one she really babysat for and she pretended she was hers. Andrew she almost dropped and cried because of "almost". Matthew she wanted to hold as much as the first one. She never lost that love for babies. I know she has to be loving on Robert, Amanda's lost twin, Tara's lost baby, and all the other babies that need to be loved. She's making them smile with her beautiful smile. She has Grandma Stewart and Aunt Goldie beside her each with a rocking chair and arms full of other babies.

matthew's baptism

Matthew turned 11 on June the 12th. He has been talking about getting baptized for quite awhile. We decided to finally let him and made sure he was ready. He wanted to be Baptized by his dad while on vacation, not in the ocean but in the pool. So we had everyone over for cake and ice cream then headed to the pool. I am so proud of him!

group shot

All my children. India is the one in red. Remember as of November I will have 5 single daughters, time for that reality show!

beach 2009

more beach shots

fishing trip 2009

some of the family took a deep sea fishing trip. lots of fish were caught, lots of fish tales were told!

beach vacation 2009

Our entire family, except for Rachel who had the first baby of the grandkids(!), and Catie, who had a wedding to attend, gathered at Orange beach for a vacation and a wedding. We played volleyball, ate a lot, and no one came away mad! Always a good thing. WE had a few extras like Nick, ashley's boyfriend, and Adam, Amber's boyfriend.

kiss and group shots

blake is reallly interested....

wedding cont

beach wedding

birthday boy

Notice mr. tatoo's, not shirt, on his bike!! He also is showing of muscles and eating a hot dog like his uncle lee, or like cousin Matthew!